Lost in you

Ice! Get down! Tangos at you 3, cover me! Shouted a voice to my left. I pop up over the small cement wall I crouched behind and shoot over to my right. My standard issue M16 jammed, "Crap, I'm jammed, cover me!" I shout as I dropped behind the wall and pop out my half empty mag and cock the gun. I stick the mag back in and hear a blood curdling sound. I glance over and see a fellow soldier on the ground. Blood was gushing out of his leg, I couldn't hear him screaming. All I heard was gunfire.
I did a baseball slide across the gap and pulled out my blow out kit, I grabbed the morphine and jammed it into the soldiers good leg. Almost instantly his face flooded with relief. I patched up his leg and ran back to my position. Only this time, I didn't make it. I took a round to my left thigh. I didn't register why I was pushed to the ground and couldn't get up. The adrenaline was still going strong, I crawled behind the wall. I was losing blood. The feeling was something I had never felt before. I couldn't feel the pain. But I could feel the blood pumping out of the hole in my leg. I felt terrified, I never realized how much blood you could lose so quickly. I fumbled out my gauze and began wrapping my wound with it. All of my actions became slower. I couldn't think straight, everything began to blur and spin.
The next thing I know I'm in a medical evacuation helicopter back to our base in Afghanistan. All I can register is the pain. I screamed and yelled for more morphine. The doctor looked at my leg and grabbed a needle and jammed it down into my leg. Instantly I felt relieved. The pain dulled down into a slight thumping in my left leg. The doctor said something to me, but I didn't understand what he said. Next thing I know I have got two nurses holding me down while the doctor dug the bullet out of my leg. Later I realized what he said. He said that the bullet had grazed my femoral artery and he needed to dig the bullet out and close the wound up.
I woke up in a hospital somewhere in America. I had to ask the nurse where, she said that I was in Wisconsin . Why, who the hell knows. I just sat in my bed and remembered everything that had happened. I was fighting in Afghanistan. I was shot. I am in the hospital on the other side of the world.
That was 1 year ago. My real name is Jason, but everyone calls me Ice. My parents are dead, I have no relatives and I'm still adapting to civilian life. The hardest thing for me is just being friendly. I have never been the most out going guy. Then after being in in Afghanistan for 3 years friendliness is not one of the major skills you develop. I joined the marines right out of high school. So when I was 18 I joined the marines and then when I was 20 I was deployed to Afghanistan. Now being back in the states is overwhelming for me. I am just struggling along day by day.
Exercising is all I have to do right now, I run about 10 miles everyday. Everyday, I pass the same park, the same bench, and the same woman. She is there every morning at 8. I have never talked to her, but I want to.
Today is the day I'm gonna do it, I am gonna talk to her. I started my regular route and there in the distance I saw her. She was on the same bench that she was everyday. I took my headphones out and walked up to her. "Hi" I said she didn't respond. "Hello?" Again, nothing. I sat down on the bench and she finally looked over at me, except she wasn't looking at my eyes. She was looking at my mouth. "Hello?" I said again, "Hi, why aren't you running? That is why I come out here everyday you know. " she said to me. That totally took me by surprise. Why would she come out here everyday just to see me. "Wait, why? We don't know each other right?" I said. No response, she was looking back at her book. I realized something at that moment. She was deaf. I felt so stupid! Then I remembered that it was standard issue procedure in the marines that we had to learn sign language, Arabic and one other language depending on where you are deployed at. I tapped her shoulder and signed "Why do you watch me run? I see you here everyday but why?" At first she just gave me a confused look, then she signed back " how did you know I was deaf? I come here everyday because I know you're different."
Because I was different? What's that supposed to mean? That took me by surprise. " The way you look at my mouth not my eyes gave it away" I signed back. She smiled and gave a little giggle. "What's your name?" I asked her. She hesitated then said "My name is Hazel, what's yours?" She didn't sign that she said it out loud to me. "My name is Jason, pardon me for asking, but you said you come here everyday because I'm different. What did you mean by that? I signed. My hands were pretty tired, I forgot how much work sign language requires.
Her eyes changed from light blue to almost a stormy gray. "Your eyes give you away. You have had so much pain in your life, yet you carry on." She put her hands on my cheeks and looked me in the eye. "You were in war, you have seen death. The death of friends. Wait, oh my..." She let go of my face and looked away. I put my hand on her shoulder until she looked back at me. I knew what she was talking about, but I wasn't expecting it when she said it. " You lost your sibling at the hand of someone close to you... I'm so sorry." I couldn't believe how she knew all of this just from looking at my eyes.
I just sat back in the bench blinking back tears. I don't talk about my sister to anyone. Not even my closest friend in the marines. Her name was Clementine. She was 11 years old when she was raped and killed by my own father. She was my only friend, she was more than my friend. She was my lifeline to this world. I was the one who found her, tied down to her bed with a pillow over her face. My so called father was put on trial and was found guilty with a lifetime sentence in jail. My mother took her own life, I almost did to. I lived in a foster home for about 2 months before I ran away. I haven't lived with anyone since I was 15. I finished high school on the streets and joined the marines right after I graduated.
"How...how did you do that.." I mumbled. Hazel looked at me and just gave me a sad stare. I realized she couldn't understand me. I repeated what I said without mumbling. "It's because I'm deaf. I can't hear people's words, but I can hear their souls cry out through their eyes.
Hazel let a single tear drop down from her eyes and roll down her cheek. I wipe it away and signed "Why am I different? Everyone has experienced pain and suffering, what's so different about me?" She looked up at me and gave a weak smile and signed "Because you don't wallow in your sorrow. You keep going. Among your sadness and your pain there is hope in your eyes. A little glimmer almost." I was so amazed how much this small, deaf young women knew about me. I signed that I had to go but that I would like to talk to her again. I wrote my cell phone number down for her to text. She smiled, stood up and walked down the forest park path.
I walked home from my encounter with Hazel. Remembering every detail of what happened. Remembering Hazel herself. I remembered how beautiful her eyes were when she smiled, but how mystifying they got when they turned stormy gray. The way that she hesitated right before she spoke. I knew she was uncomfortable without knowing what her voice sounded like. I would be too if I was her. I got home to my small apartment and jumped in the shower. As I let the warm water run over my body I began to think about my sister, Clementine. I remember the day she was born perfectly. I was only 4, but it's crystal clear. My mom brought her home from the hospital and she set her down on the little baby play set from when I was a infant. She had a head full of dark curly brown hair. I also remember her first day of first grade. She was dressed in a light blue dress with her curly hair out in a ponytail. She was adorable.
I got out of the shower and did my leg exercises. My doctor said if I wanted to regain full control over my leg then I need to stretch and use it everyday. So that's why I run everyday, and it's my escape. The rest of the day I just did my regular daily things like read, nap, eat.
That night I had a horrible nightmare. I was back in Afghanistan with my marine squad. We were making a hostage rescue, we did the regular routine. Throw a flash bang tactical grenade through the window and bust down the back and front door. It was me and my squad leader Caption Mason. "Clear! Next room!" I shouted and we moved on. We bust down the next bedroom door. As soon as Caption Masons foot hit the door it exploded into splinters. All that was left of him was his torso which was riddled with splinters. The sight made me want to puke. I had to carry on. I pulled a large price of wood out of my arm and drew my tactical Sig-Sauer pistol. I rolled into room and had my sight trained the the enemy. He had his hands raised but not in surrender. He slowly reached up and pulled his ski mask off.
It was my father, he gave me the same sick smile I got every time he found a reason to beat me senseless. In his hand was a pillow, the same one he used to suffocate my sister to death. I let three rounds go right into his chest. He didn't go down, but he began to walk towards me. I emptied 4 more rounds into his chest. He stumbled, but didn't stop. The closer he got the more cruel his smile got. He finally reached me, and slowly smiled and whispered "Now it's your turn." And put the pillow over my face.
I woke up screaming and sweating. I looked at my phone, it was 4:00 in the morning. I had gotten a text from an unknown number sometime around 12. I opened it and it read "Hey, it's Hazel, would you like to meet me for some coffee this week?" I sent back that I would love it. I groggily got out of bed and jumped into the shower. I made myself 5 eggs and a banana/yogurt smoothie. I put on a pair of jeans, and old flannel shirt and my jacket. It was around 6:30 when I decided to go take a walk. I locked my door and was walking out of my apartment building when I got a call from a number that I knew too well.
"Hello?"
"Ice... It's me. Mike... Mikes gone."
"What! What do you mean mike is gone? He... He can't be gone."
"Ice, I know you were close. But he is gone..."
"I...I.. Okay... Thank..thank you.. Mason."
"I'm sorry Ice. Are you sure you're gonna be okay?"
"Yeah... I will be fine, thank you. Bye."
I hung up the phone without waiting. I sat down on the sidewalk and just thought. What about Mikes family? Why Mike? He waste kindest man I know. He basically adopted me. He was my best friend for the last 5 years. He had a little boy, Mac. His wife... Oh god his wife will be devastated. Emma.. Oh poor Emma. I decided that I will go see them as soon as I get the money.
I had lost track of time, when I finally got over my shock I looked at the time and it was almost 9. I had been so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't realize Hazel texted me. She asked if I would come meet her at the park at 11. I texted back that I would be glad too. I got up and began my walk of sorrow to the park. I finally reached the park, Hazel was sitting on the bench reading her book. She looked up at me and smiled. Her light blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight. She set down her book and let me sit next to her.
She took a quick glance at my eyes, just looking at them as she looked over my whole face. Then she did a double take and her eyes morphed into that stormy gray. She grabbed my face and looked into my eyes.
"How...what..who?" She mumbled to herself.
"My best friend, mike. He..he died this morning. He was.. killed in combat.." I say.
Hazel's eyes still haven't changed back into their regular light blue eyes. They are still stormy gray. I could actually feel her looking at my emotions, my inner being, my soul. She let go of me and turned away from me. I knew that I had ruined her morning. I was not going to just stand by and let that happen.
I stood up, put my hand in Hazels and pulled her up. I held her hand and dragged her through that park. I looked back at Hazel and she smiled at me and asked where we were going.
I stopped. Where were we going? I turned around and signed "I have no idea. I didn't think this through very well. Where do you want to go?" Hazel looked at her watch and signed "Coffee, definitely coffee." I grabbed her hand again and we walked down the path.
We stopped at the local diner and got some coffee. I forgot that I hadn't had breakfast. So I ordered a stack a of pancakes. I inhaled them so quickly I ate all 5 of them before Hazel had even finished her coffee. Hazel finished her coffee and I paid the cashier. Hazel looked at her watch and said that she need to hurry. She had an appointment. She ran up to me, jumped up on her tippy toes and kissed my cheek. Then she rushed out the door and down the street.
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. I was saying thank you to the cashier when I heard the sound of tires screeching. I turned to see it all happen. I saw Hazels body in the street with her books scattered across the ground. I dropped my change and coffee and bolted out of the door. I ran up to Hazels side and check her pulse, she was still alive. “Call 911! Now!” I screamed. Hazel was unconscious, I looked around at the crowd of people and finally found the driver of the car. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and shoved him against his car. “What were you doing! Why didnt you see her!?” I screamed in the mans face, out of his hand slid his iphone. It shattered as it hit the ground.
“I-Im sorry, I didnt see he-her.” the man stuttered out.
“You weren't watching, you hit an innocent woman because you were texting!” I screamed as I tackled the man. I tackled him to the ground and punched him over and over again. It took two other guys to pull me off of him. The ambulance and the cops had shown up. I brushed past the cops and jumped into the ambulance with Hazel. The paramedic said a bunch of stuff I didn't understand. The ambulance pulled up into the Hospital parking lot, they hopped out and put Hazel on a stretcher. I ran into the hospital right after them.
They rushed Hazel past a door and 3 nurses got in front of me and held me back. I was screaming that I needed to get back there. The nurses pushed me back into a chair and told me to calm down. I was hysterical, the nurse finally grabbed me and slapped me in the face. “SIR! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!” She screamed in my face. My eyes focused in on the nurses face, I could see the slightest details on her face. The only other time I have ever felt like this was when  I was in afghanistan. I took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m sorry, It won’t happen again. Is she going to be okay? please, please tell me she is going to be okay.” I asked the nurse. She looked at me and said “Sir, I can’t tell you that for sure. I will go check where she is at right now, I have a feeling she is in emergency surgery.” Then she got up and left. She came back about five minutes later and told me that she was in the emergency surgery unit, her leg was broken and she had ruptured some of her internal organs. I asked when I would be able to see her, she said that visiting hours would be over by the time she came out of the surgery. I stood up, almost in tears and said “My best friend died today, and now the only other friend I got is in the hospital, please let me stay.” The nurse looked at me and I guess she must have felt bad for me because she got me a cup of coffee and brought me to a room, it was already scheduled for Hazel. I sat down in the chair in the corner and drank my coffee. it was hours upon hours until they brought Hazel in. The other nurses looked at me like they wanted to tell me to leave but then the nurse whole gave me the coffee came in and told them I could stay. I fell asleep listening to the sound of beeping coming from the multiple machines hooked up to Hazels pale body. I didn't sleep through the whole night, I woke up multiple times in the night and I would look at Hazel and think to myself “If only you had walked her out, you should have been there. You could have saved her.” I finally crashed at five in the morning, I couldn't handle it, the emotional stress. I laid down on the small couch in the room, it was so small my feet were hanging off the end of it. I woke up to a nurse injecting fluids into hazels IV, she looked at me and told me that I should go home. I nodded and asked her to call me as soon as Hazel woke up. The nurse nodded and left the room. I walked over to Hazel and kissed her forehead and left. I went straight home and crashed in my bed. I woke up sometime around two in the afternoon, I looked at my phone, nothing. I sighed and decided to take a walk. I passed a little flower shop and saw a pure white rose, I went in and bought one for Hazel. As I payed the flower shop owner, she asked if this was for someone special, I gave a little smile and nodded my head. I asked if she would have more in stock tomorrow and she nodded with a confused look. I walked to the hospital with the rose in my hands, as I reached Hazels room the same nurse who gave me the coffee the day before saw me and smiled. She came over to me and said that Hazel was doing just fine. I put the white rose on the bedside table and sat down in the chair next to the bed. I looked at Hazel and all the machines hooked up to her, I almost broke down in tears right then and there. “Please, please don’t die on me Hazel. You are all I have, I have nobody, nothing. My sister is gone, my only friend is gone, and if you go, then, then maybe I will to. I can’t do this again, I can’t deal with anymore death. All my life I have had nothing but terrible memories. You are the only good thing that has really happened to me. If you leave…” I let a tear fall out of my eye and roll down my cheek. I grabbed Hazels hand and kissed it. I just sat there crying, holding Hazels hand. The nurse came in and saw us, she just stood there and stared. I didn't care anymore, I looked up at her and said, “Please tell me you have good news, anything.” The nurse looked at me with sad eyes and shook her head. I put my head down in my hands and sat there in disbelief. I stormed out of the room and just ran. I ran down the 5 flights of stairs, out the door and didn’t stop. I ran into the woods, cutting myself on branches, I didn't care. I finally ran out of energy and just collapsed on the ground. This was too much for me, I couldn't handle this anymore. I felt my phone buzz, I pulled it out and read the text, it was from the nurse. It said “Come quick! She is awake.”  Have you ever had that sudden buzz like someone had injected you pure caffeine or energy? Because thats what I had, I bolted out of the woods and straight to the hospital. I ran into Hazel room to her still in a coma. My heart sank, I sat down on the bench and watched the IV bag drips drops of liquid. The nurse who texted me came in and looked surprised to see me. “Why did you text me? You said she was awake.” I stood up and said to the nurse. She gave me a confused look and said “Sir, I don’t know your number. I never sent a text to you.” I pulled out my phone and checked my messages, there was no text. I looked up at her, and back at my phone. The silence was broken by the sound of Hazel coughing up her breathing tube. I dropped my phone and watched as the nurse called in the doctor who helped her remove the breathing tube. The nurse looked at me and back at Hazel, she tapped Hazels leg and gestured to cover her eyes. I thanked the nurse silently and walked towards the bed, I picked up the pure white rose off the bedside table and held it in my hands. I tapped Hazels nose and slipped my hand into hers and lifted them from her eyes. Hazel didn’t do anything, she just held my hand. It was all we both needed, no words, no hugs, just connection. Hazel fell back asleep grasping my hand tightly, like she planned never to let it go again. I was fine with that, I squeezed her hand and went to grab a cup of coffee, I bumped into the nurse who has helped me through this since the very beginning. I thanked her for her help, and I asked her if I could buy her dinner when Hazel got out of the hospital as thanks, she nodded and I gave her a hug. I headed back to the room and found Hazel smelling the flower I bought her. I stood in the doorway leaning against the frame unnoticed, I watched as Hazel brought the rose up to face and smelled it. She pulled it away from her face giggled that cute giggle that I fell in love with. I smiled and gave a little laugh of my own, she finally noticed me and signalled me to sit down on the bed next to her.I sat down and held Hazels hand, She looked up at me and spoke clear as day “Are you gonna kiss me, or just sit there?”. It was my turn to give a little giggle, I leaned in close and could feel the warmth that had come back to Hazels once pale body. I softly pressed my lips against hers for the first time felt my heart melting away. My heart is no longer my own, for once in my life, I know what happiness is. Even now, being married for 2 years, I am still overtaken by Hazels gentle, loving touch and beauty. I am getting ready to have my first child, a girl. Hazel asked if we could name her Clementine, after my sister, my first friend.